Do you ever feel frustrated that your horse isn’t listening or that your communication and connection seems to be amiss?
One of the blocks to effective communication with your horse comes down to a misperception of what it means to be in conversation with your horse. Traditional training is less of a conversation and more of a lecture or a set of instructions. The way I was taught to interact with horses was to initiate communication by applying an aid and then using a series of additional aids or requests based on the response that I got from the horse.
While this sounds like it could be a conversation – request, response, request, response – it is more so a series of demands. What we typically look for is the “correct” response that warrants the release of pressure. If we do not get the desired response, we will maintain the pressure, or increase the pressure, until the horse responds the way we want. I don’t know about you, but if I were in a relationship with someone who used this method of communication with me, I would not willingly engage in conversation.
To have a meaningful connection, you have to be willing to go into a conversation without knowing the outcome or having all the answers. When you get set on your horse responding in a certain way or performing tasks that you previously determined would be your interaction for the day, you are setting yourself up for conflict. It is presumptuous to assume that your horse is going to comply with everything you desire. Connection is not built from obedience; it grows out of trust and mutual understanding.
While it can feel unsettling at first to relinquish some of the control that you have, opening yourself up to feedback and requests from your horse will deepen your connection. Good communication means listening to the feelings, experience, and desires of the other being with whom you are interacting. Give your horse the opportunity to express his experience in the moment.
When you cultivate a two-way, respectful conversation with your horse, your level of understanding, connection, and joy will deepen. You will no longer be working against your horse, but instead working together to have a meaningful interaction. Below are a couple of ways that you can begin to have a different interaction with your horse.
Don’t finish the conversation before it has started
Connection with others is one of life’s most joyful experiences in life. In any relationship, we come together to share our experiences, ideas, feelings, and desires. The richness of relationship is feeling heard while also sharing in another’s unique perspective. As we grow closer to those we love, a blending begins to occur with a shared understanding based on past experiences together.
You would not be able to have that richness if it weren’t for different perspectives. If you were to script every conversation, you would never learn or grow. You ask questions to learn about another point of view. You engage in conversation to knit together an experience that is more than what you could create on your own.
Learn how to have this openness in communication with your horse. It is not your job to script his side of the conversation. Allow him to express himself and to share his experience and feelings with you. You may be surprised what happens when you let go of your agenda and instead become open to new possibilities in the moment. Your horse has a lot to bring to the conversation and relationship, but you won’t hear it if you enter the conversation with your mind set on the outcome.
Observe the difference between demands and requests
When you ask your horse to do something, is it a request or a demand? Interaction with others is full of requests. We invite others to interact with us, share their thoughts, go to dinner, watch a movie, spend time together, and so on. We make requests of one another and choose how we want to be together in relationship.
With our horses, we often shift from a request to a demand. A request is a polite invitation where the other being has every right to respond with no, thank you. Sometimes a request is turned down for this moment while other times you will continually get a no from someone. For example, no matter how many times you invite me to dress up and go to a cocktail party I will say no thanks unless I feel obligated for some reason. However, invite me to the movies and I may or may not agree depending on my mood. We each get to choose how we want to interact with others.
Requests are a necessary part of communication. What doesn’t work is when the request becomes a demand. When you invite your horse to interact, he needs to give permission and agree to it. If you won’t take no for an answer, then you are making a demand. You also have to be flexible enough to hear his requests and agree to interact the way he wants sometimes too. If you want an engaging relationship, there must be a mutual understanding that you will both respect the other’s choices.
Ultimately, you have to learn how to listen to what your horse is telling you. Let him have his say in the conversation and choose to honor some of his requests. For your horse to be motivated to be with you, he has to be empowered and feel heard in the conversation. True partnership is about the growth and learning for both parties in the relationship so that your life becomes richer because of the connection that you have.